That first venture out of the house with your twins is the proudest moment of your life. You are wheeling along a double stroller staring down at two little snoozing squished newborn faces, they belong to you, they bring you such happiness, and holy shiz, they bring A LOT of attention!! For the first while you don’t mind, it’s sweet that people are interested and you enjoy talking about them, but if I had a pound for every time I have heard any of the following phrases I would be Donald-flippin’-Trump;
“You’ve got your hands full!” – actually the convenience of a pram or a baby carrier means that my hands are pretty much empty, making it possible for me to give you the middle finger- but I will refrain from doing so…
“Rather you than me!” – I should bloody think so if that’s your attitude!
“How do you do it with two?” – Red wine and Prozac.
“Are they twins?” – No, I gave birth to one and thought she was so cute we cloned her in the garden shed. Success!!
“Boy and a girl?” – they’re both in pink!!! Do I have a cross dressing infant?
“Are they natural?” – yes, thanks for the concern. Would you like to know in which position they were conceived? And IVF isn’t unnatural, it’s just a helping hand!
“What are their names?” – Tom and Jerry
“You look well for having had twins!” –Sorry, should I be looking like crap? And if I didn’t have kids and hadn’t my face covered in the slap to conceal the bags under my eyes, would that be inexcusable?
“What weight are they?” – WHAT WEIGHT ARE YOU? How rude to ask a girl/girls their weight.
“Are they good?” – They’re babies…
“They must cost you a fortune!” – Yes, and my handbag collection is suffering because of it.
You will hear all of the above, and then some, from your first outing, and it doesn’t stop!! When will it stop?
Yes, it’s very lovely that people take an interest in twins, at the beginning it feels so special but as time goes on and you’re trying to get home as soon as possible because you’ve forgotten the nappy bag, or the twins have both decided to scream down the food hall in M&S, you really just want to get on with it.
Twins are great, yes they’re hard work, and sometimes us twin mums aren’t even sure how we do it, or have to stop and think of what name belongs to what twin when you’re asked.
A few weeks ago was the first time a stranger had stopped me on the street, not to ask how much they cost to run each month, or to tell me how she felt sorry for me, but actually to say that I was extremely lucky to have twins. Thank you, Mrs Woman, I think so too!