After my pregnancy with the twins, I happily kissed goodbye to leggings, Spanx and the need to wear practical footwear every single day from my second trimester.
Or at least I thought I had…
So, out they come again, fecking blasted leggings, converse as part of my daily footwear, and big unattractive underwear to smooth out my tummy. Why? Because I haven’t lost the post pregnancy twin weight? Partly that, but mainly because I am pregnant. Again!
Much to my own amazement I find myself with child (singular this time) yet again. Despite having been on the pill, and also being ‘advised’ not to have children again, and also the strong possibility of not being able to have children again, here we are… Was this ‘meant to be’? All the signs point to YES!
I have personally announced this pregnancy to a few very important people, I have formerly experienced how precious a little life is at the first stages of pregnancy, so I was weary of doing so.
In comparison to the announcement of my pregnancy with Bonnie and Isla, the reception has been ‘different’, and understandably so. To most it is received with immediate excitement, followed by something along the lines of; “how will you cope?”; “three under two, oh my god!”; “are you mad!”.
First and foremost, I not only ‘coped’ with two newborns at once as a first time mum, but I embraced every moment of it and have two incredibly bright and happy little ladies to show for everything I have put in.
Secondly, I am absolutely s**tting myself at the thought of ‘three under two’, but I am prepared to embrace the chaos, and have the knowledge to look out for, and to be aware of, moments of struggle (practically and mentally), and hopefully be aware of how to tackle these feelings this time round.
And thirdly, don’t we all need a little madness to help sail us through this journey of motherhood? However else would I find it socially acceptable to wear a pyjama blouse with jeans in public…? Ahem…
I won’t lie, I feel strong anxiety when it comes to the thought of three little ones under three (and also three under two for a period of time), I am trying my very best to reassure myself that I will manage and find even more strength within myself, that you never are aware is there until it’s desperately needed, and to keep on embracing the chaos, take the good days with the bad days, and still be able to make it out in public with all brood in tow.
Everyday I anticipate what having one newborn is going to feel like, I’ve only ever known how to do things in twos. I will also have two toddlers in the mix, it’s going to be a completely different experience to when I was pregnant with twins and taking two newborns home from the hospital. And there are things that leave me feeling rather perplexed; Am I a second time mum with a third baby?; Or am I a third time mum?; Will people see us coming and feel immediate dread?; Will my friends without babies still want to know me?; I just got used to all the sleep the twins have given me, how will I cope without my sleep again?; Will Bonnie and Isla feel ‘down graded’?; Will I have the time for this newborn like I had for the girls?
Oddly, I feel like a first time mum all over again. I don’t know what to expect with one newborn, I don’t know what to expect with a singleton pregnancy- how different can it be?- I should feel like an expert in ‘baby stuff’, but I can’t help constantly questioning myself.
Is this normal? I hope so… But alas, there’s nothing I can do but try to give as much of myself to Bonnie and Isla while I can, and find out the answers to all of my questions when the time comes.