Nothing can fully prepare you for just how intense the role of being ‘mum’ would be, and not in the practical sense of being a mum, but more so in the emotional sense.
Being a mum is the most amazing thing that I could be, and I take an abundance of pride in my role as a mum, and I know I am a good mum… So why all the second guessing?
On a daily basis, guilt continuously creeps up in some form or another. Whether it be because I’m letting the girls watch Peppa Pig just to get a cup of tea, or feeling guilty for spending a day in the house, or feeling guilty for letting the girls eat dairylea Dunkers and apple for lunch because they refused to eat your lovely home cooked meal… The list is ceaseless!
A few weeks ago I was continuously having black outs without warning, and despite tests, doctor’s still can’t quite get to the bottom of it… My in laws stepped in and whisked the girls off to their home in Donegal, where the girls have a ball spending their days on boats and on the beach running wild. I was put on bed rest, and while I physically rested, I was not able to mentally rest.
I woke in the night thinking I could hear one of the girls crying, and when I remembered that they were with their grandparents, guilt filled me and weighed my little sick heart down. When morning broke I didn’t know what to do with myself, I felt uneasy without the girls, and I couldn’t stop giving myself a hard time for not having the girls around for two days.
My lovely friends reassured me that it’s ok to be unwell, and I should be taking this time to focus on myself. Advice I would give others if they were in my position. But let’s face it, if we could all accept our own advice, we would all be a lot happier.
Why isn’t it ok to be sick?
Why do we need to punish ourselves for accepting a little help?
What is wrong with utilising a little TV to get some time out to relax?
If we can’t get our little ones to eat their veggies despite our best efforts, why do we need to beat ourselves up about it?
What’s wrong with getting some kid free time?
Why do the problems of the world make me feel scared and guilty for introducing such a world to my girls?
I won’t even mention the guilt about feeling guilty…
I never imagined that I would beat myself up over the littlest of things, that isn’t in my character. Is it the persona of being a mum taking over? And why does it need to make me feel so bad for silly inconsequential things?
Unfortunately, I have no answers, and as life goes on with all of my little ones I still don’t think I will find the answers. I’m already dreading the guilt I know is going to rain down over me when baby number three arrives.
As wonderful as being a mum is, the guilt that accompanies it is a bloody bugger!